Depression, Anxiety & Mental Health

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Re: Depression, Anxiety & Mental Health

Postby rk9 » Sun Dec 28, 2014 3:55 pm

WonderingI wrote:thanks a lot for the info RK9... sounds cool, yes maybe i can move there next year. the place i live now is very tranquil but a bit backwards...how much is a small room to rent in these suburbs? and is it quite peaceful, i think i am too nervous to live in a place with a lot drunks, thieves or violence. and is it easy to find a part time job? sorry for all the questions!

Well it totally depends but think around 150/200 is a standard and a part time job it depends on your situation and age. Finding engineering jobs is easy also are you an european citizen?

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Re: Depression, Anxiety & Mental Health

Postby producer_snafu » Tue Dec 30, 2014 8:07 am

hey guys, thanks for your replies, sometimes i like to make posts and then check up on them later to see how they have grown.

since i made this post i have slipped in a lil bit of a depression, but i am staying focused on positive things.

i just recently came back from a group peer group.

i recorded 6 of os, two of whom were peer support specialists.

there shouldn't be any confusion as to who i am, i am prolly the loudest recorded voice.


it's not the most interesting listen in the world, but if you would like to hear me elaborate about the state i am at with my diagnosis, i elaborate a lil on it.

also we get to hear this dude robert (i think his name is) who has some kind of mental illness going on, elaborate and unfold to me. which i thought was pretty cool.

hope you guys enjoy!

https://www.mediafire.com/?rv3qw28vxo0e52a
\((( "D )))/ Yay clouds! ☁ ☁ ☁ ☁ ☁

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Re: Depression, Anxiety & Mental Health

Postby PEPCORE » Sat Jan 10, 2015 4:31 pm

I am glad you made this topic, i think talking about it is something that can help. Depression is a disease of the mind. Depression can make you welcome death as the only answer to all the problems in our life's.

Long post alert!! :?

I have severe treatment resistant depression for last 3 years and it all just cultivated at just one moment in time. I will post my story here that i posted about 1 years back on a non related forum.
This was my post and the situation at the time:
I used to think depression was something for weak people, something that didn't exist, it is all in the mind. Therefore people who have depressions were just weak and couldn't handle life.

My "depression/problems" started about 8 months ago, i had 2 jobs was working hard, last year university had a girlfriend for over 3 years and felt semi happy i guess.

Then one night i just woke up. I couldn't get back to sleep any more, i woke up with thoughts in my head of all the things i had to do the next day. The next night was the same and so on. I was caught in a viscous circle of insomnia, i knew i had to sleep to function the next day, but that mere thought would keep me awake. I would cry to go to sleep, but i couldn't sleep. This went on for a month until i was committed in an hospital/asylum(?) because i hadn't slept in 4 days and i began to lose touch with reality.

Then the medication started, my next life i would say. First lorazepam and some anti depressant called remeron to help me fall asleep. I slept for a few days but that slowly started to pass, the medication would not help me sleep any more, i would wake up and be in the same viscous circle again.

This went on for months with different therapists and incresing doses of medication. I became really down because of the no sleep, i could not function any more. At that moment i still thought it would be a temporary thing everybody told me so. haha. :D

Every day i would feel like i was not asleep nor awake, my girlfriend could not cope with this for the half year it had been going on, she left me. Who could blame her? stuck with a down depressed guy in your twenties. I lost both of my jobs and have been failing most of my classes this past semester. (i never failed anything before this)

I am still prescribed remeron (30mg) and clonazepam 4mg for sleep, i feel nothing of the benzos any more, but if i don't take them i will feel it, i begin to shake and crave it.

Now i am here, almost a year later. Lost almost everything i had. And still no decent sleep! I Wake up after an hour or 2 or 3 and doze in and out of light sleep, even though i am tired as shit every day!

Everyday i "wake up" feeling like i am dead, i do not know any more how i felt before the medication. I cannot concentrate or get anything done. Everyday and night i would feel i would die, and now I've come to the moment where if dead comes i will welcome it, i will finally sleep.

Live without sleep is nothing, there is no life without sleep. Only depression.

So that is my depression story, how i cope with it? Obviously not good.

I am on my own authority now going to quit the anti depressant and benzos, i want to know how i was again before the medication. Yes the anti depressant takes some of the sadness away. But also the feeling of joy. I feel nothing any more.

I wish i could go back and know that feeling again, the feeling of sleep and waking rested.

So yeah tl;dr version, i'm pretty fucked in the head seeing as am in some insane insomnia based depression.


I repost this story because i think i worded my problems in a manner that describes how i felt about depression at the time, and how i was "dealing" with it.

Now, fast forward to today.

Some time after the above quoted post i started feeling better so started my thesis and wanted to graduate. My problems have severely spiralled out of control ever since.

I started my thesis about 4 months ago after of therapy and a lot of psychiatrists and "psychologists"(aka people that try to talk to you like you are a child and try to depict sever mental issues in a stupid manner that does not help, at least not in my case. I guess cognitive behavioural therapy never was my thing, :? but i can certainly see that it can help some people.)

I also have severe arthritis of the knee so am on a lot of pain medication as well. I got addicted to the pain medication and now frequently use it as a way out of my miserable mindset.

My anti depressants got prescribed in a higher dosage again 2 weeks ago cause i am having sever sleep problems and recurring depression again.

The current medication i am on is:
Depression/Sleepwise:
Remeron/Mirtrazapine from 15 mg back up to 30mg (2,5 weeks ago)
Clonazepam 2 mg before bed.
2x concerta 27mg a day to counteract all CNS depressant effects due to the opiates and the extreme sleepy and lethargic side effect of Remeron/Mirtrazpine. I was prescribed this also for adhd and helps me think clearly and sleep better at night. (Better sleep for me means only about 5/6 awakenings)

Pain wise:
Every 48 hours fentanyl patch 25mcg (First prescribed tramadol, then to oxycontine 3x 20mg, but was having still sever pain an inter dosage withdrawal so i asked to be put on fentanyl for steady blood values)
Arcoxia 60mg (another pain killer)
2 puffs of instanyl nose spray 200mcg a day (Fentanyl) to get out of bed in the morning.

Self medicated extras:
200/300mg tramadol:
Next to helping me stave of withdrawal due to my extreme opiate tolerance Tramadol is also an acute SNRI, it helps with depression immediately!! And according to http://ajp.psychiatryonline.org/doi/abs ... 9.09020186 and Stahl's Essential Psychopharmacology referred to as the famous combination. "California rocket fuel" (http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads/579 ... ocket-Fuel)

This combination usually entails an NaSSa as mirtrazapine and an NSRI as exefor, i use tramadol for the NSRI part, due to its immediate effect instead over the pretty harsh other anti depressant that take a while to work. Also Tramadol gives quite an euphoric feeling that makes you take on life. (Dopamine and the snri part obviously.)

20-30mg valium a day:
To get anxious feelings of my life falling apart again, and a little sleep help. (I sometimes dont take it or take phenibut which is an effective GABA agonist for anxiety/sleep and such. (Super addictive though, i dont need another addiction so i usually take it about 4/5 times a month) )
Also use the valium to heighten my seizure threshold due to tramadol combination

That's about it i guess. In the past year i oded quite a few times due to sever opiate use, i am severely addicted and go into withdrawal usually every week. (This is my own fault due to me using the opiates in higher dosages then prescribed to forget my problems) I try to lower my tolerance usually in the weekend, which means taking lesser dosages of opiates, sadly with severe side effects obviously.

The last 2 weeks ive finally been feeling better in life and can work on my thesis with confidence again, :D luckily my school is understanding so i got a delay on my thesis deadline due to me switching medications so often in the last few months. (The initial side effects of anti depressants are pretty harsh) Also i got really sick about a month ago, i couldnt eat any more for 2 weeks. (Stress/Anxiety about failing thesis)

But since ive added the tramadol again and got prescribed higher dosage of remeron i am doing fairly decent in life currently. (The side effects of the remeron increase are almost gone) Im firing on semi-all cylinders again. My depression has finally faded in the past week, i think i am at about 90% of my normal cognitive ability.

When i am done with my thesis i will go into rehab to quit my pain medications. And hopefully lower all my dosages of medications again. I was so close about a year ago. :cry: Got down to 0.5mg of clonazepam and 7.5mg of remeron. But then my pain was escalating immensely and was put on opiates. I feel this is one of my biggest mistakes i wish i never knew opiates, i would rather live the rest of my life in sever pain than be so reliant on those damn pain killers. I am always chasing my dragon, sadly my dragon is enormous now. Fentanyl i so strong, if i would not have the patch and the tramadol to help i would probably need about 120 mg oxycodone to stop me from going in immediate withdrawal.

So i hope you guys understand when i'm sometimes just of the radar completely, depression is evil, depression is what has destroyed semi-normal life. I was a normal person once, now i dont know what i am any more.

But everything is going uphill now!! I hope to finish my thesis in about 2 months and quit most of my medication.

I hope all of you find an answer to your problems, i know i haven't yet.

Also what i can recommend to guys looking for a semi natural answer to feelings of depression or general down feeling is light therapy, strength training and some relaxation exercises. I know they dont nearly answer severe depression, but some of the techniques certainly help.

Also sadly i cant take these herbs any more but of all the herbs i tried (Seriously every herb know to man haha, not even kidding) these had some effect:
http://examine.com/supplements/Ashwagandha/ //Anxiety
http://examine.com/supplements/Rhodiola+Rosea/ //Anxiety/cognition/Tiredness
http://examine.com/supplements/Bacopa+monnieri/ //Anxiety/cognition/Tiredness

I cant take these any more sadly. Some medications i take have interactions with these herbs. Also dont let the herb label think they are weak, in many double blinded study's a lot of these herbs have been proven as effective or even more so as a lot of conventional medication.

I hope to pass my thesis and i can finally go in rehab and quit most of my medication. Its just too much currently, working 40 hours/constant pain/worse sleep again/And a big ass thesis to write.

Of all the thing i learned in my past years i can give only one advice, when you feel you are biting of more then you can chew try to minimize the stress that you are in. I never had mental problems before my first problems started. and they all started due to too much pressure and things to do. Before you get to that moment or before you feel you are on your way to have an enormous amount of stress try to intervene before it all manifests in something a lot bigger. Before you know it you are in a vicious circle that is very hard to get out of.

So when you are able to reduce stress elements in your life, do it! Take time for yourself as said earlier in this thread. Also dont start extra stress when you are not ready for it, i started 2 more relationships after the quoted post, but they just added to the stress even more. Sometimes you just have to think about time for yourself! :)

So yeah TL;DR post for sure hehe.

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Re: Depression, Anxiety & Mental Health

Postby Feutus Lapdance » Tue Jan 20, 2015 11:17 am

I understand your insomnia Pep. I cant say I really found enjoyment in life before my 20's. Before that school was shit, rejection, being beat up and massive social anxiety. It was After working for 2 years in a factory that I gained some social experience and started building on my self and work t on my trauma's. I was thinking I was over it and decided I wanted to be a artist. Happy days started. I discovered the Tekno scene where I feeld finely socially accepted for who I was. Later I discovered Breakcore and It was the most liberating musical experience I had ever heard. Shure I was still socially retarded and a 100% white knight. Girls made me still feel how I was lacking as a human being. Still I felt like gaining more and more control over my life. It was In my fourth year in art school that I had a Mayer sad back. My skin started to bleed. I always had some skin problems. But now my skin started to feel like melting cheese all over my body. Sleeping started to get harder and harder. Ad one point I slept only one our a day I had lost over 10 kilo and I was bleeding all over my body. I came to the conclusion that I was dying....... So I stop't going to school and started working again on myself. I started using cutivate cream. It helpt..... for the first time in a month I slept like a baby..... my skin problems got better. Still I was looking like a walking skeleton. I was able to finish art school with a 6 :D .

I'm still working on myself. I live for one year now with the love of my life. I realize that a lot of my problems have to do with that my dad was never around. I did not get a good male role model in my life or some one that teach me how to interact with the world and how to have empathy with others..... I have a lot to learn ..... I never felt this good.

In March my son will be born. I will make sure I will be there for him.... always.

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Re: Depression, Anxiety & Mental Health

Postby rk9 » Tue Jan 20, 2015 9:32 pm

I forgot to post something that came to speach today at an appoitment I had for the autism spectrum center.
But something that gave me really usefull insight inside of mental illness, the conflict in the mind in general & depression. Was the studie of Jiddu Krisnmaruti which I came aong by listening to Stick To Your Guns.

http://www.jkrishnamurti.org/default.php the talks are slow ut can be really insight full.
Especially since there wil be a common line about tradition and western traditions breakcore usually kicks to.
It's insightfull but he's not a religious leader or something you have to narrow a lot down for your self. It can be really a lot.

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Re: Depression, Anxiety & Mental Health

Postby HORSE FORCE » Sat Jan 24, 2015 2:19 am

this is a pretty intense thread to come back to after being off this forum for 5 (??) years or so

i have always appreciated your guys' honesty so ill tell you a bit of what's been going on..


since 2010, i have been hospitalized for both a manic episode and a suicide attempt

after the manic episode i was diagnosed bipolar type I

kinda makes sense. a lot of the music i posted to this forum came from manic or hypo-manic states..

i feel like any "normal" person would find no appeal in breakcore, that the crazier you are, the more you get off to it

i was on a shitload of different ssri's, mood stabilizers, antipsychotics and such that were making me into a zombie

i went to rehab for a month two years ago and they took me off of a lot of meds

i am on lithium now, about 600 mg a day and that stabilizes me overall, i am happy and creative in many outlets

when i get depressed, i take ketamine in low (less than 100 mg) doses and it works REALLY well

in winter time i take it about ever two weeks or so

i have stopped doing pretty much all stimulants except for occasional adderall during an all night party

i still smoke weed and cigarettes and drink, but only beer. hard alcohol gets me too drunk


i feel like mental health issues are both a blessing and a curse, something i have to live with and did live with for a long time

i reached a point where i was doing too many drugs and overloaded my already crazy brain

i once got taken away in an ambulance during an acid trip.

i know there's lots i could expand upon here, but just thought id throw it out there to you guys quickly while I'm at work :P

been meaning to check out this forum again for a while. real happy to see some of my homies are still keeping this alive (beating a dead horse?)

ok I'm done for now

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Re: Depression, Anxiety & Mental Health

Postby verdroid » Sun Jan 25, 2015 8:36 pm

Horse i hop we'll see you more here and that your comeback will do you good

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Re: Depression, Anxiety & Mental Health

Postby kowalczyk » Fri Jan 30, 2015 8:23 pm

I never thought the day would come, where I would read a thread on a shitty forum about breakcore, and actually get smarter.
You're way cool. :mrgreen: <3

I can relate to so many of the things written in this thread, but I'm only 21, and have no wisdom and I rarely know how to deal with the hard times.
I've been homeless because of it, and I've used, abused and smoked my way out of trouble for a long time, but I am trying hard to change this.
Anxiety and depression has been, and still is, a reoccurring theme every day of my life, but I feel it gets better as time goes on.

Breakcore (even though it is sometimes real shitty music) is therapy to me.

I hope all of you are well, and are dealing with your problems in a way that makes you happy and more confident in yourselves. :AThumbsUp


EDIT: Enough with the sentimentality! Lick my winking doodoo-brown asshole, you double fistfucked retards.

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Re: Depression, Anxiety & Mental Health

Postby Dataphrenik » Mon Feb 09, 2015 1:08 pm

Meditation and living in the present are 2 things that help a lot, not thinking about the future not thinking about the past but living in the now. Also i think people are labelled way too easily these days not only by doctors etc but also by themselves. One thing that I have begun to understand myself is that wether you are sad or happy, enjoy it, you should not feel like one or the either is a bad thing. This is a very brief explanation of some of the things I have learnt but if you are interested in researching these kinds of principles further, check out people like Osho and Alan Watts (two of my favorites)


I am a recovering drug addict and I have managed to stay clean since November 17th 2013 by applying these principles into my life.


Tommorow doesnt exist, time is NOW.

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Re: Depression, Anxiety & Mental Health

Postby Dataphrenik » Mon Feb 09, 2015 1:13 pm

Also just wanted to say, I feel you cannot change any internal feelings by the adding of external substances, internal feeling needs to be changed internally. Obviously there are exeptions for some people whose mental conditions are based on inbalances of chemicals in the brain etc, but I still feel that a change can be made without labels and drugs.

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Re: Depression, Anxiety & Mental Health

Postby manifestevil » Tue Apr 07, 2015 8:27 am

I admire all your honesty. I think this subject affects more people than the average person is aware of. Opening up is difficult, it is a brave thing to do and should be commended. Sometimes just getting out of bed, let alone facing the world requires great strength.
I try to remind myself of any small triumph and think it beneficial for others to acknowledge their wins, even if it seems as small as just starting the day.
I have found catharsis in creativity too... poetry, art and music.
I have spent many recent years penning my darkest thoughts and pouring out as much as i can of myself into music and drawing/painting.
it has helped me to move forward and give me purpose. I am still reclusive, quite often insular and have my battles, though I am inspired now.

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Re: Depression, Anxiety & Mental Health

Postby SideshowKenny » Wed Apr 08, 2015 2:47 am

I'm hardly ever depressed because I live in Colorado and smoke soo much weed but, I'm on pre trial supervision now and have to abstain. Not freaking out yet but, I guess telling your cunt ass neighbor to shut the fuck up whilst people think that the Vape in my hands is a knife is not condusive to neighborly love. Fuck them though!

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Re: Depression, Anxiety & Mental Health

Postby verdroid » Wed Apr 08, 2015 8:14 pm

Going further on topic. To all that suffer/enjoy/live with this stuff:
Just out of curiosity and for personal interest. Do you have any goals in your life? Something you want to complete or something you want to reach? And if so, what is it? Or do you see lofe as something pointless?

Thanks in advance

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Re: Depression, Anxiety & Mental Health

Postby rk9 » Tue Jun 02, 2015 10:08 am

verdroid wrote:Going further on topic. To all that suffer/enjoy/live with this stuff:
Just out of curiosity and for personal interest. Do you have any goals in your life? Something you want to complete or something you want to reach? And if so, what is it? Or do you see lofe as something pointless?

Thanks in advance

So I kinda forget that I was commenting on this topic and yeah it's been a while in general, I used to self-harm and I deal with PDD-nos everyday which isn't that hard as it sounds it has quite given me some advantages. Last night in DBC there was a topic someone asked why his track don't sound that warm and full as the major releases where I commented those are mastered and if you use FL it isn't the best way to process audio towards a full sound. And might look into other DAWs. Then some sort of respectess discussion came up about that I was telling bullshit all audio engines would sound the same then that mastering was overatted and not necassary. Some guy went totally of topic and asked if I had voices in my head what is disrespectful especially in a FB group where I know some people suffer from drug trauama's where they do or either just have an mentel illness that does mean they hear voices.

Funny I am talking to 3 people since that topic asking for a master.
When I was 15 I had a real hard time dealing with those situations must say I have so much progress that now I just think I will wait till their track ends up on a big PA (1000+ or 6000 watt) and then ask me for a master. Must say it's a lot healthier have these thoughts instead of just cut the stress away and then pretend nothing happened. I mean now I can laugh about these assholes and be stil able to put my own creativity first.

My goals are now to get better at composing, have more shows in general, I'd wanna have a family so keep and matain a stable relationship.
I would love to have the same kind of status as Julian (Stazma the Junglechrist) or Noel (DJ Hidden) in mastering, which mean I need some more high-end gear. Also would love to do some more remixes for other labels. Did 2 this year and not sure about release dates yet.

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Re: Depression, Anxiety & Mental Health

Postby breakyjose » Sat Jun 06, 2015 1:03 am

I'm pretty sure everybody's bipolar. So long as you don't take anything too seriously, you should be fine.

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