unfinished story, help decide whether it's worth it to finis

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does this suck?

Poll ended at Fri Aug 15, 2008 12:02 am

yes
0
No votes
no
5
71%
i want some cheese
1
14%
actually, you can have my cheez cause i lub u
1
14%
 
Total votes : 7
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unfinished story, help decide whether it's worth it to finis

Postby cuttingagent » Fri Aug 08, 2008 12:00 am

i was gonna make this a book but i never finished it. maybe i'll make it a pamphlet or a comic or short story someday. but you can read/critique/flame it for the meantime, maybe give some suggestions on what i should do with it and how long should it be?


a couple things - first, it reminds me way too much of the movie Idiocracy, do you see it?? and... sorry for the typos. i didnt feel like fixing some of them yet. now i dont know if i like the first few lines or even the idea of trying to go somewhere with that humanity as hard data concept. anyway...





I HATE 2028

CHAPTER ONE (or whatever)



this isn't just the latest model in mobile entertainment and

communication technology. this is 65 million years of human

knowledge channeled into the high tech culture's best

ambitions. today most of the upper middle class of America

is pooling their savings into what they never believed could

be done. all lined up to have their entire beings converted to

hard data. no one really questioned why the insanely wealthy

weren't doing the same.

they had all seen the commercial debut during superbowl

halftime at Philip Morris Stadium earlier that week. before

that, there had been teaser ads placed in all major malls,

fast food outlets and convenience stores. last year the race

between the US and Japan to develop the technology was

widely publicized and almost completely overshadowed media

focus on this year's coming presidential election. not that it

mattered, 4 years ago the states had a record low voter

turnout of 23 percent. nobody cared about politics anymore.

new high tech gadgets were being developed on a weekly

basis. for instance, the Samsung Aspire 4046 released just

this August had already become uselessly outdated and

phased out by the company. people were racing in circles to

own the latest mobile for that exact moment when it was the

latest mobile, only to throw them away in a month in a half

when the service providers phased out services to outdated

models. this bred mass apathy in the hearts of people eager

to impress others the world over.

you can buy an Aspire 4046 from any pawn shop for $5.99,

and if you're 24 years old and live in a manufactured home

with your mother and little sister, you just might. with a few

.dll tweaks you can still communicate on the old junkers,

make phone calls and send text messages, video conference,

and connect to the internet. hell, you wouldn't even have to

pay for it once the model is phased out. they're not even

really outdated, they just don't look as sleek or customizable

as the next model. you can even place a call to the middle

east or australia and talk for an hour without paying

anything. but you can't download the latest Toastphreek music

video for 6 dollars and the internal clock won't change for

daylight savings time.

i have an Aspire 4046. i traded 4 cigarettes to a meth head

under the bridge for it last month while i was walking home

from the bar high as hell. it's 5:07am. my Aspire says

otherwise.

if you look on extremeauctiontron.com, the latest in

ultimateebaycorp.com subsidies, you may still find a Samsung

SonicOPTIK 3039 which was released in the spring of 2026,

but it'll cost you at least 15 large. that's collecter shit.

anything made within the past year is scooped up at the

pawns by hackers, then usually destroyed after a couple

weeks worth of felony government file intrusion is logged by

the NSA. anything left undestroyed becomes vintage technology and a bunch of geeks sell and resell it at exorbitant ammounts on the web.

if you had been glued to the Murdocorporation News

Explosion Channel last winter you may have seen a 40

second segment containing a generally uninformative and

opinionated account of what was said to be the biggest non

celebrity news issue of 2027. the news was huge on the

internet. Mordocorp. News Explosion devoted an entire 40

seconds to documenting the controversy, which was the

longest slot the station had given any non celebrity news in

at least 5 years.

A hacker had gotten holds of one of these older models and

managed to tap into a string of legal information databases

that hadn't been accessed for years. the hacker discovered

all the passwords guarding them were common church slogans

such as "god hates faggotards" and "for the wages of tax

fraud is death." after uploading some questionable

pornography to the server, he deleted the one and only

remaining copy of the United States Constitution and the Bill

Of Rights, which was in Ultraviewer Textfeild Advanced format

(.UTA).

this happend in 2023 but went unnoticed until a lawyer

thought to check the bill of rights after a client sued his

manager at a McDonald's Sushi Express, claiming he had a

legal right to take home whatever food he wanted for free. it

was the first civil rights lawsuit since Rifle-Mart VS. The

People of The State of Rhode Island in late 2011, in which a

jury ruled 7 to 1 in favor of Rifle-mart, and every Rhode

Island citizen was court ordered to spend at least $200 per

household at the establisment during the following year. in

addition, all permanent residents would save 3.5 percent on

their state income taxes if the household spent at least

$1200 at any Rifle-mart during the next fiscal year. the

figure actually worked out to 1.6 percent after state income

tax bonus fees were applied to the break, but few

complained. this was the year Samsung released it's first

semi-automatic weapon capable of playing downloadable

songs, game shows, and sports videos off the internet, for a

nominal monthly fee plus $6.99 per download. the model also

featured an electric heat massage unit and was was wrapped

in a detachable black plastic casing that could be removed

and upgraded with a more colorful one, adorned with

celebrity musicians and characters from popular primetime

drama shows. Of course by 2027 this was all ancient

technology that lacked commercial appeal of the nation's

upper scale faux-urban youth.

This lawyer had paid $25 to send an email to 411online.com

inquiring about the legal right to embezzlement and through a

series of channels was referred to the database and sold a

copy of the passwords for $650 from a less than trustworthy

porn bootlegger from fiji that he sometimes ordered films

from. by then the text from the page had been deleted,

replaced by a looped video of a raccoon licking peanut

butter off of a translucent purple dildo. he called another

lawyer freind and the question went from person to person

until it found the attention of some underworked and bored

goverment officials, onward through a chain of higher levels

of generally incompetent politicians until they all just gave

up and asked the President what to do about it. The

President of course volunteered to rewrite the entire

document, as well as the United States Constitution. nobody

tried to stop him. his versions were poorly worded and inane,

but most people were too busy either pre-ordering or

protesting the release of both Kobe Bryant's daughter's porno

debut as well as her third pop music video.

The rewriting of the Bill of Rights and Constitution, which set

new precedents for celebrity family lawsuits from Los

Angeles to New York City, set the preface for 2028: the

worst year of my life.
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Postby gnom_maroder » Fri Aug 08, 2008 11:55 am

fuck my brain!
it's very difficultly :D

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Postby Silent Frog » Fri Aug 08, 2008 10:23 pm

I like it a lot. Funny, odd and imaginative while disturbingly close to the truth, as all good sci-fi should be. How were you planning on building on this plot-wise?

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Postby Vephor » Sat Aug 09, 2008 2:47 am

The writing's kinda so-so, but it's pretty interesting, and I would read more if you wrote it. Although you should probably learn to capitalize.

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Postby cuttingagent » Sat Aug 09, 2008 10:51 am

frog, i was planning on having to build a very crowded timeline for a lot of events, which is hard because not knowing when i'd have t finished, withinm a few years i'd be spilling into the 2011 range. there would be a lot of stuff on the degradation of politics and the complete overthrow of the human mind by consumerism, that kinda shit. throw in some weird future sex or wahtever too, maybe have a good bit on v-sex vs. person to person contact. if. you have any suggestions or criticisms i would be more than happy to consider them

veph, i wrote this last summer and have since learned to capitalise =)
i will edit it eventually
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Postby matt bleak » Sat Aug 09, 2008 1:05 pm

a bit phillip k dick-ish, but thats not such a bad thing...as silent frog said this is disturbingly close to the truth, especially for somebody living in your part of the world. i wouldn't worry about the capitalization thing too much - check some of the more experimental work of j.g. ballard (if you haven't already done so - i'm not elitist name-checking merely suggesting something) and see some of the ways in which he wrote and you will see it is not that necessary to use capitals and such. all in all i reckon you are onto something here - possibly worth focusing more on that worrying what some old lunatic from downunder is saying about you elsewhere in the 'bullshit' section...and if you don't like my critique you can always tell mom :lol:
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Postby cuttingagent » Sat Aug 09, 2008 1:16 pm

matt i find it adorable that you think i'm worried about what you say about me in a forum. but as i am the messiah of professional breakcore, i have nothing to worry about. i can turn water into wine, and turn wine into gabber kicks, and turn gabber kicks into record deals, and turn record deals into fish. and i really like fish.

i haven't read any philip k. dick, or j.g. ballard, but while i do have an affliction for unorthodox text tactics, i like to use proper punctuation these days just to make it easier to read. most of my new stuff is edited all proper like for that reason.
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Postby matt bleak » Sat Aug 09, 2008 1:20 pm

cuttingagent wrote:matt i find it adorable that you think i'm worried about what you say about me in a forum. but as i am the messiah of professional breakcore, i have nothing to worry about. i can turn water into wine, and turn wine into gabber kicks, and turn gabber kicks into record deals, and turn record deals into fish. and i really like fish.

i haven't read any philip k. dick, or j.g. ballard, but while i do have an affliction for unorthodox text tactics, i like to use proper punctuation these days just to make it easier to read. most of my new stuff is edited all proper like for that reason.


well i like a good meaty read that doesn't contain words like 'pwned' and OMGLOLZ every few sentences so be sure to keep posting more of your work or links to your work...otherwise i will tell mom again!
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Postby cuttingagent » Sat Aug 09, 2008 1:23 pm

well you got my myspace most of it is up there, i would recommend cycling back and reading 'life as a glitch in coding" parts one through four, it's more in the vein of life, sex and romance among the clinically insane, it's a bit more poetic than this, and i'm still working on it so those are just the first four chapters.
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Postby matt bleak » Sat Aug 09, 2008 1:31 pm

will go check it after i post this pointless pop-culture referencing image ;):

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Postby cuttingagent » Sat Aug 09, 2008 1:36 pm

after i post this pointless pop-culture referencing image


what is this, fuckin Family Guy now?
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Postby Silent Frog » Sat Aug 09, 2008 2:15 pm

I agree with Matt, it is in the same vein as Philip K Dick, which is by no means a bad thing. I'd say it's more like Ken Macleod, who writes amazing sci-fi in the same near-future type way.

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